I am not just a houseplant, I am a martyr.

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Photo by Sanni Sahil on Unsplash

You want me as soon as you see me. I don’t blame you. I am a thing of beauty. As you undress my foilage with your eyes I know you are already imagining how good I’ll look on your Instagram feed. You make me feel cheap. Which, by the way, I am definitely not. In fact, you should probably really think if you can afford me now you’ve developed that obsession with salmon sashimi.

What makes you think you can sustain me? I’m not some plebeian spider plant that will thrive on whatever attention you deign to give. You have not studied in the arts of botany. …


Post-its are better than punches.

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Image by Terri Cnudde from Pixabay

Ah, reader! You have caught me, a true Brit, in the middle of writing a passive-aggressive message to my partner. The message is overtly polite, of course, and I finish it with, “Have a good day.” But I’m hoping that he detects the undertone of seething rage. The substitution of my usual cheery exclamation point for a full stop should be sufficient indication as to just how livid I am. Not to alarm you, but if it were a colleague I would have removed the“Kind” from “Kind Regards” on my email sign-off. That is how serious the situation is.

There is a chance that he does not detect said seething rage, or worse, calls my bluff and simply chooses not to acknowledge it and carry on with his life. If he does, I will be forced to close the bedroom door ever-so-slightly more loudly than normal, or perhaps even put down my teacup a bit too hard. …


Results 100% guaranteed.

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Photo by Bill Oxford on Unsplash

Ladies! Are your jeans feeling a little tight after the festive season? Do you exist within a consumer society that manufactures insecurity in order to sell overpriced products? Excellent! You’re talking to the right people.

Our miracle pill is designed to take you from “chubba chubba” to “hubba hubba” in just a couple of weeks! Because of mysterious, cutting edge SCIENCE, you can eat literally whatever you want during the program. What’s more, you’ll be delighted to hear that our product is not a tapeworm.

To get started, simply purchase the starter pill containing our patented advanced molecular recipe and not tapeworm eggs. …


Humor

Tips from the ladies who were socially distancing before it was cool

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Photo by Brian McGowan on Unsplash

Interviewer: Are you stuck in a castle with an old-timey German aesthetic for quarantine? Has a falling-out with an evil family member led you to seek refuge in the woods? We’ve sat down with some of the most experienced quarantinas out there to get their tips on relatable lockdown issues.

Sleeping Beauty


Oh, the sweet taste of sea witch sashimi.

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PerceptionAspergirl, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Welcome, loyal subjects, to my food blog!

As you may know, I am celebrating my metamorphosis from sad, singleton fish to married and long-legged human by undertaking a sushi tour of Japan.

My therapist thought that becoming a vegetarian might be a healthy way to process my trauma. However, my recent discovery of intuitive eating has led me to sushi. Sure, it’s possible that I’m still harbouring (get it?) some unconscious resentment towards sea-life, but it’s also possible that my body is just crying out for Omega 3. I mean, no-one can prove otherwise! All I know is that I feel a deep and profound joy from being served sliced up slabs of fishy flesh while playing footsie with my new beau under the table. …


Frankly, I’m disappointed.

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Photo by Frederik Lipfert on Unsplash

Listen, I have bad news. Many of us have heard the rumours that a 5G-powered mind control chip is being distributed under the guise of a COVID-19 vaccine. Well, if you were hoping that this whole pandemic malarkey would make you into something of a human hotspot, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

I live in the outer reaches of Scotland and the connectivity is diabolical. There’s one good spot if I stand on my toilet seat and lean out the window just enough to feel that my life is in danger, but that’s pretty much it. Naturally, I was thrilled to hear that the government was taking advantage of the global crisis to turn us into mindless drones. I mean, surely drones have to be connected to the world wide web to be useful? …


Your guide to securing a beneficial love match in the modern age

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Photo by National Library of Russia on Unsplash.

These are trying times and the pool of eligible bachelors is slimmer than ever. But you, my fresh-faced, virgin gosling, are determined to secure a love match. This is such a noble endeavour that we, the ladies at The 19th-century period drama dating agency ᵀᴹ, are compelled to help in any way possible. Our methods are unorthodox, our whalebone corsets tight, and our faces slowly degrading under an inch of corrosive white lead. In short: we are not to be underestimated.

Let’s begin with you. You are a beguiling specimen, a frail English rose with the complexion of a vitamin D deficient octogenarian. Just the way we like them. You turn heads with your spirited pianoforte and know how to execute a sultry flash of those exquisite bone-white ankles in a jaunty waltz. You are well-read and educated, but not enough to presume that you should have the vote. Suitors far and wide have commented on your superb “countenance”, (though no-one on god’s earth knows what this means) and croon that your watery eyes make them think of tuberculosis (but, like, in a sexy way). …


The day is here. Britain is sovereign once again

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Photo by William on Unsplash

So, brethren! Brexit is afoot and nerves are high on the isle. The tension is as thick as butter from purebred British dairy cows. Personally, I’m thrilled. It’s about time Britain was restored to its former glory.

We are heading back to the good old days! When the streets were charmingly cobbled with milk and honey and cheddar. Why the concern? We don’t need fresh vegetables if we have our beloved national cheese. Did you know that one cube of mild cheddar contains all the micronutrients and whatsits that a human needs? Is that true? I don’t know! It’s not important! But could I have made a life-sized cheese carving of Margaret Thatcher from stupid French Brie? …


Lapland reportedly “disappointed” by the comments

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Photo by hue12 photography on Unsplash

Households across the globe are blocking up their chimneys in protest against Father Christmas after a social media scandal last week.

The prominent festive figure has been branded “problematic” as tweets resurfaced of him making derogatory comments towards elves, calling them “Santa's little layabouts” and “idiotic moose-munchers”. The posts were part of a bizarre rant, which many speculate was written under the influence of one festive brandy too many.

Lapland has distanced itself from the controversy, with Shaw Tarse, the head of the Union of Extremely Hard Working and Very Cute Elves (EHWVCE), saying he was “disappointed” by the comments. “We have come a long way in improving the reputation of hardworking elves in Lapland and beyond.” He said. “Comments like these set us back as a community. …


One girl spills the tea on an infamous confectionery tycoon

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Photo by naomi tamar on Unsplash

I’m going public with my story in the hope that the biggest crackpot in confectionery gets what’s coming to him, hopefully with a whopping great helping of type II diabetes on the side. Here it is folks: My name is Violet Beauregarde and Willy Wonka ruined my life.

I was just 10 years old when I visited the sticky hell that was the chocolate factory. You will have read the bad press about me. Sure, I had a bit of an attitude problem, I was in a weird phase. …

About

Emma Clarke

Science and satire. PhD student in human genetics and lover of all things weird and wonderful in biology. Thank you, beautiful human, for visiting.

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