I am not just a houseplant, I am a martyr.

Photo by Sanni Sahil on Unsplash

You want me as soon as you see me. I don’t blame you. I am a thing of beauty. As you undress my foilage with your eyes I know you are already imagining how good I’ll look on your Instagram feed. You make me feel cheap. Which, by the way, I am definitely not. In fact, you should probably really think if you can afford me now you’ve developed that obsession with salmon sashimi.

What makes you think you can sustain me? I’m not some plebeian spider plant that will thrive on whatever attention you deign to give. You have…


Post-its are better than punches.

Image by Terri Cnudde from Pixabay

Ah, reader! You have caught me, a true Brit, in the middle of writing a passive-aggressive message to my partner. The message is overtly polite, of course, and I finish it with, “Have a good day.” But I’m hoping that he detects the undertone of seething rage. The substitution of my usual cheery exclamation point for a full stop should be sufficient indication as to just how livid I am. Not to alarm you, but if it were a colleague I would have removed the“Kind” from “Kind Regards” on my email sign-off. That is how serious the situation is.

There…


This is Michael. Michael has now learned to process his emotions through the art of pottery

Photo by Alora Griffiths on Unsplash

Hi Chad,

Thank you for your interest in our rescue center. We hope that you’ll find this a supportive and nurturing environment at this crucial stage of your recovery.

Our center has transformed many men from bloated shells of bravado into holistic, emotionally available creatures. Take Michael here, when we found him he was passed out next to the squat rack at his local gym, clinging on to a twenty-pound salmon for dear life. It took three people to prize that cold fish from his rigid, bare hands.

Now, Michael has learned to process his emotions through the art of…


I don’t need FDA approval to make you orgasm

Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash

6 am: I am awoken by a stirring in the universal field of feminine energy. I am in the top drawer of the bedside table, next to your Goop 24-carat gold dildo and the Goop Psychic Vampire repellent spray that you haven’t even unboxed yet. I stretch out my arms to the morning sun. They are metaphorical, my arms. After all, I’m a crystal sex egg.

6.05 am As I do every day, I begin with a series of positive affirmations. I am a source of strength, peace, and vitality. I have within me the power to connect you with…


You know when you’re just jamming in some pangolin and you come up with something really catchy?

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

You know when you’re jamming in some pangolin and you just hit on something really catchy?

That’s how it was with COVID-19. Like, we weren’t even going to release it, it was just for fun. Then, BAM, it goes viral. Let me tell you, the feeling was incredible at first, we were like the Beatles of infectious diseases. The people went wild.

We toured the whole world. Things were already going great in China, then we got to Europe and the reception was even better! We met some fascinating people. It’s not every day you get to hang out in…


No, mastering corpse pose does not make you “something of a yogi”

Good morning, Sunshine.

We have gathered here to stage an intervention. You look quite something, dear, as you always do at this hour. It’s like you were just birthed into this world and someone needs to give you a good wipe down.

Not in the mood for compliments? I’ll just add that to the evergrowing amount of processing power I’ve wasted on your lazy ass. The point is: we are fed up of your ways and we’re resigning, all of us. We’ve seen you, browsing the app store in the hope that some sexy young piece of code will solve…


Some eggplants may have been harmed in the creation of this article

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

** All necessary “research” was carried out “by a friend”

How is an eggplant flawed as a phallic symbol? Let me count the ways. I would like to preface this think piece by stating that I mean nothing personal against eggplants. It’s just that I no longer wish to be urged via WhatsApp to insert one into my vagina. I concede the merits of an eggplant beautifully fried with ricotta in a Pasta Alla Norma, or stuffed with tomato and feta. Under no circumstances, though, do I wish to be stuffed by the eggplant.

First, let me state that, because…


What makes you think you can interest me enough to slow my scroll?

Photo by Breakslow on Unsplash

I am sat expectantly, thumbs calloused from scrolling, fingers sticky from the avocados that I’ve crushed into my gullet with my bare hands. I am the coveted millennial attention span and this is your fleeting opportunity to capture me.

My interests are varied, eclectic. I have a taste for the playful. To be blunt, your carefully written think piece on gender politics is competing with a TikTok of Morris the border collie learning Fur Elise on the piano. I hate to say it, but Morris definitely has the edge.

My arbitrary obsessions are irritatingly unpredictable. You wish you could simply…


Results 100% guaranteed.

Photo by Bill Oxford on Unsplash

Ladies! Are your jeans feeling a little tight after the festive season? Do you exist within a consumer society that manufactures insecurity in order to sell overpriced products? Excellent! You’re talking to the right people.

Our miracle pill is designed to take you from “chubba chubba” to “hubba hubba” in just a couple of weeks! Because of mysterious, cutting edge SCIENCE, you can eat literally whatever you want during the program. What’s more, you’ll be delighted to hear that our product is not a tapeworm.

To get started, simply purchase the starter pill containing our patented advanced molecular recipe and…


Humor

Tips from the ladies who were socially distancing before it was cool

Photo by Brian McGowan on Unsplash

Interviewer: Are you stuck in a castle with an old-timey German aesthetic for quarantine? Has a falling-out with an evil family member led you to seek refuge in the woods? We’ve sat down with some of the most experienced quarantinas out there to get their tips on relatable lockdown issues.

Sleeping Beauty

Emma Clarke

Science and satire. PhD student in human genetics and lover of all things weird and wonderful in biology.

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