Post-its are better than punches. — Ah, reader! You have caught me, a true Brit, in the middle of writing a passive-aggressive message to my partner. The message is overtly polite, of course, and I finish it with, “Have a good day.” But I’m hoping that he detects the undertone of seething rage. The substitution of…

This is Michael. Michael has now learned to process his emotions through the art of pottery — Hi Chad, Thank you for your interest in our rescue center. We hope that you’ll find this a supportive and nurturing environment at this crucial stage of your recovery. Our center has transformed many men from bloated shells of bravado into holistic, emotionally available creatures. Take Michael here, when we…

I don’t need FDA approval to make you orgasm — 6 am: I am awoken by a stirring in the universal field of feminine energy. I am in the top drawer of the bedside table, next to your Goop 24-carat gold dildo and the Goop Psychic Vampire repellent spray that you haven’t even unboxed yet. I stretch out my arms…

You know when you’re just jamming in some pangolin and you come up with something really catchy? — You know when you’re jamming in some pangolin and you just hit on something really catchy? That’s how it was with COVID-19. Like, we weren’t even going to release it, it was just for fun. Then, BAM, it goes viral. Let me tell you, the feeling was incredible at first…

No, mastering corpse pose does not make you “something of a yogi” — Good morning, Sunshine. We have gathered here to stage an intervention. You look quite something, dear, as you always do at this hour. It’s like you were just birthed into this world and someone needs to give you a good wipe down. Not in the mood for compliments? I’ll just…

Some eggplants may have been harmed in the creation of this article — ** All necessary “research” was carried out “by a friend” How is an eggplant flawed as a phallic symbol? Let me count the ways. I would like to preface this think piece by stating that I mean nothing personal against eggplants. It’s just that I no longer wish to be…

What makes you think you can interest me enough to slow my scroll? — I am sat expectantly, thumbs calloused from scrolling, fingers sticky from the avocados that I’ve crushed into my gullet with my bare hands. I am the coveted millennial attention span and this is your fleeting opportunity to capture me. My interests are varied, eclectic. I have a taste for the…

Results 100% guaranteed. — Ladies! Are your jeans feeling a little tight after the festive season? Do you exist within a consumer society that manufactures insecurity in order to sell overpriced products? Excellent! You’re talking to the right people. Our miracle pill is designed to take you from “chubba chubba” to “hubba hubba” in…

Tips from the ladies who were socially distancing before it was cool — Interviewer: Are you stuck in a castle with an old-timey German aesthetic for quarantine? Has a falling-out with an evil family member led you to seek refuge in the woods? We’ve sat down with some of the most experienced quarantinas out there to get their tips on relatable lockdown issues. Sleeping Beauty