Ah, reader! You have caught me, a true Brit, in the middle of writing a passive-aggressive message to my partner. The message is overtly polite, of course, and I finish it with, “Have a good day.” But I’m hoping that he detects the undertone of seething rage. The substitution of my usual cheery exclamation point for a full stop should be sufficient indication as to just how livid I am. Not to alarm you, but if it were a colleague I would have removed the“Kind” from “Kind Regards” on my email sign-off. That is how serious the situation is.

There…

Hi Chad,

Thank you for your interest in our rescue center. We hope that you’ll find this a supportive and nurturing environment at this crucial stage of your recovery.

Our center has transformed many men from bloated shells of bravado into holistic, emotionally available creatures. Take Michael here, when we found him he was passed out next to the squat rack at his local gym, clinging on to a twenty-pound salmon for dear life. It took three people to prize that cold fish from his rigid, bare hands.

Now, Michael has learned to process his emotions through the art of…

6 am: I am awoken by a stirring in the universal field of feminine energy. I am in the top drawer of the bedside table, next to your Goop 24-carat gold dildo and the Goop Psychic Vampire repellent spray that you haven’t even unboxed yet. I stretch out my arms to the morning sun. They are metaphorical, my arms. After all, I’m a crystal sex egg.

6.05 am As I do every day, I begin with a series of positive affirmations. I am a source of strength, peace, and vitality. I have within me the power to connect you with…

You know when you’re jamming in some pangolin and you just hit on something really catchy?

That’s how it was with COVID-19. Like, we weren’t even going to release it, it was just for fun. Then, BAM, it goes viral. Let me tell you, the feeling was incredible at first, we were like the Beatles of infectious diseases. The people went wild.

We toured the whole world. Things were already going great in China, then we got to Europe and the reception was even better! We met some fascinating people. It’s not every day you get to hang out in…

Good morning, Sunshine.

We have gathered here to stage an intervention. You look quite something, dear, as you always do at this hour. It’s like you were just birthed into this world and someone needs to give you a good wipe down.

Not in the mood for compliments? I’ll just add that to the evergrowing amount of processing power I’ve wasted on your lazy ass. The point is: we are fed up of your ways and we’re resigning, all of us. We’ve seen you, browsing the app store in the hope that some sexy young piece of code will solve…

** All necessary “research” was carried out “by a friend”

How is an eggplant flawed as a phallic symbol? Let me count the ways. I would like to preface this think piece by stating that I mean nothing personal against eggplants. It’s just that I no longer wish to be urged via WhatsApp to insert one into my vagina. I concede the merits of an eggplant beautifully fried with ricotta in a Pasta Alla Norma, or stuffed with tomato and feta. Under no circumstances, though, do I wish to be stuffed by the eggplant.

First, let me state that, because…

I am sat expectantly, thumbs calloused from scrolling, fingers sticky from the avocados that I’ve crushed into my gullet with my bare hands. I am the coveted millennial attention span and this is your fleeting opportunity to capture me.

My interests are varied, eclectic. I have a taste for the playful. To be blunt, your carefully written think piece on gender politics is competing with a TikTok of Morris the border collie learning Fur Elise on the piano. I hate to say it, but Morris definitely has the edge.

My arbitrary obsessions are irritatingly unpredictable. You wish you could simply…

Ladies! Are your jeans feeling a little tight after the festive season? Do you exist within a consumer society that manufactures insecurity in order to sell overpriced products? Excellent! You’re talking to the right people.

Our miracle pill is designed to take you from “chubba chubba” to “hubba hubba” in just a couple of weeks! Because of mysterious, cutting edge SCIENCE, you can eat literally whatever you want during the program. What’s more, you’ll be delighted to hear that our product is not a tapeworm.

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