I am not just a houseplant, I am a martyr.

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Photo by Sanni Sahil on Unsplash

You want me as soon as you see me. I don’t blame you. I am a thing of beauty. As you undress my foilage with your eyes I know you are already imagining how good I’ll look on your Instagram feed. You make me feel cheap. Which, by the way, I am definitely not. In fact, you should probably really think if you can afford me now you’ve developed that obsession with salmon sashimi.

What makes you think you can sustain me? I’m not some plebeian spider plant that will thrive on whatever attention you deign to give. You have…


Post-its are better than punches.

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Image by Terri Cnudde from Pixabay

Ah, reader! You have caught me, a true Brit, in the middle of writing a passive-aggressive message to my partner. The message is overtly polite, of course, and I finish it with, “Have a good day.” But I’m hoping that he detects the undertone of seething rage. The substitution of my usual cheery exclamation point for a full stop should be sufficient indication as to just how livid I am. Not to alarm you, but if it were a colleague I would have removed the“Kind” from “Kind Regards” on my email sign-off. That is how serious the situation is.

There…


You know when you’re just jamming in some pangolin and you come up with something really catchy?

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Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

You know when you’re jamming in some pangolin and you just hit on something really catchy?

That’s how it was with COVID-19. Like, we weren’t even going to release it, it was just for fun. Then, BAM, it goes viral. Let me tell you, the feeling was incredible at first, we were like the Beatles of infectious diseases. The people went wild.

We toured the whole world. Things were already going great in China, then we got to Europe and the reception was even better! We met some fascinating people. It’s not every day you get to hang out in…


No, mastering corpse pose does not make you “something of a yogi”

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Good morning, Sunshine.

We have gathered here to stage an intervention. You look quite something, dear, as you always do at this hour. It’s like you were just birthed into this world and someone needs to give you a good wipe down.

Not in the mood for compliments? I’ll just add that to the evergrowing amount of processing power I’ve wasted on your lazy ass. The point is: we are fed up of your ways and we’re resigning, all of us. We’ve seen you, browsing the app store in the hope that some sexy young piece of code will solve…


Some eggplants may have been harmed in the creation of this article

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Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

** All necessary “research” was carried out “by a friend”

How is an eggplant flawed as a phallic symbol? Let me count the ways. I would like to preface this think piece by stating that I mean nothing personal against eggplants. It’s just that I no longer wish to be urged via WhatsApp to insert one into my vagina. I concede the merits of an eggplant beautifully fried with ricotta in a Pasta Alla Norma, or stuffed with tomato and feta. Under no circumstances, though, do I wish to be stuffed by the eggplant.

First, let me state that, because…


What makes you think you can interest me enough to slow my scroll?

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Photo by Breakslow on Unsplash

I am sat expectantly, thumbs calloused from scrolling, fingers sticky from the avocados that I’ve crushed into my gullet with my bare hands. I am the coveted millennial attention span and this is your fleeting opportunity to capture me.

My interests are varied, eclectic. I have a taste for the playful. To be blunt, your carefully written think piece on gender politics is competing with a TikTok of Morris the border collie learning Fur Elise on the piano. I hate to say it, but Morris definitely has the edge.

My arbitrary obsessions are irritatingly unpredictable. You wish you could simply…


Results 100% guaranteed.

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Photo by Bill Oxford on Unsplash

Ladies! Are your jeans feeling a little tight after the festive season? Do you exist within a consumer society that manufactures insecurity in order to sell overpriced products? Excellent! You’re talking to the right people.

Our miracle pill is designed to take you from “chubba chubba” to “hubba hubba” in just a couple of weeks! Because of mysterious, cutting edge SCIENCE, you can eat literally whatever you want during the program. What’s more, you’ll be delighted to hear that our product is not a tapeworm.

To get started, simply purchase the starter pill containing our patented advanced molecular recipe and…


Humor

Tips from the ladies who were socially distancing before it was cool

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Photo by Brian McGowan on Unsplash

Interviewer: Are you stuck in a castle with an old-timey German aesthetic for quarantine? Has a falling-out with an evil family member led you to seek refuge in the woods? We’ve sat down with some of the most experienced quarantinas out there to get their tips on relatable lockdown issues.

Sleeping Beauty


Oh, the sweet taste of sea witch sashimi.

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PerceptionAspergirl, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Welcome, loyal subjects, to my food blog!

As you may know, I am celebrating my metamorphosis from sad, singleton fish to married and long-legged human by undertaking a sushi tour of Japan.

My therapist thought that becoming a vegetarian might be a healthy way to process my trauma. However, my recent discovery of intuitive eating has led me to sushi. Sure, it’s possible that I’m still harbouring (get it?) some unconscious resentment towards sea-life, but it’s also possible that my body is just crying out for Omega 3. I mean, no-one can prove otherwise! All I know is that I…


Frankly, I’m disappointed.

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Photo by Frederik Lipfert on Unsplash

Listen, I have bad news. Many of us have heard the rumours that a 5G-powered mind control chip is being distributed under the guise of a COVID-19 vaccine. Well, if you were hoping that this whole pandemic malarkey would make you into something of a human hotspot, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

I live in the outer reaches of Scotland and the connectivity is diabolical. There’s one good spot if I stand on my toilet seat and lean out the window just enough to feel that my life is in danger, but that’s pretty much it. Naturally, I was…

Emma Clarke

Science and satire. PhD student in human genetics and lover of all things weird and wonderful in biology. Thank you, beautiful human, for visiting.

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